Tell me what to die for, show me its worth, and i may really do it.

teaching is heartwork

Currently reading “teaching is heartwork”, a compilation of reflections from passionate beginning teachers from their first few semesters of their teaching career. As much as the stories are somewhat inspiring and encouraging for an aspiring teacher like myself, I can’t help but feel apprehensive and somewhat fearful of the challenges that will come. 

In the first place, teaching in a government school under the supervision of MOE and being called a civil servant was never a dream job of mine. My childhood fantasies were always one of standing on stage with a mic, spreading the good news of the gospel to villagers who need God and are hungry for a miracle in their lives. My fantasy included having the power to heal the sick and trample on the devil, casting out demons and saving the multitudes of lost. Teaching them the principles of the kingdom. 

Even right now, through the years of laughing at myself for such impractical and silly dreams knowing that i am such a coward with a huge deficiency of people’s skills, somehow, this dream of mine burns even more strongly… Even when i have no means of fulfilling a silly dream of egotism to be the “hero of spiritual rescue”, i still keep seeing myself doing that one day. 

Its the end of year one in NIE. Come July I’ll have 2 weeks of practicum before the start of another year. Its been a year and I’m still trying to find my identity as a teacher and what more a PE teacher. I mean I like PE, but I have no strong passion for sports. There’s no fire like the rest of them do for the sport they are participating in… and much less the knowledge. I mean I’m not even active besides me casual runs. Instead there are so many doubts about whether i’m in the right place. I want to develop a passion but i’ve no avenue to start. 

Yet again, today as i sit down and try to reconcile all that has passed in this year, all that will be to come, the doubts, the successive and the hopes, everything falls in place quite nicely.

I am reminded of my cute little tutee who’s a burden and a joy to teach at the same time. I didnt set out to be liked by her, nor her parents, I really wanted the best for her. She hates maths, she calls me an evil witch, she asks what time i’m going home the moment i step into the house T.T, yet, her results did improve a little (and I hope and pray it will be good this SA1), she shyly writes “I love you” on the whiteboard we use, she hugged me before her exam papers to show her affection, and the most gratifying for me was when she said ” Your lessons are not boring” and ” you very creative leh u”. 

I believe this is the essence of teaching whether it is math or PE, secular content or the bible. You have a burden for the people you are responsible for. Things may get mundane at times, the pressure from the parents, the work against time yet the satisfaction and the gratifying things that make all the work worthwhile is when you know you have made a difference in someone’s life. Such is the joy of a teacher. 

I am also reminded of my friend and member under my care in the cell group. So much heart i put out there to love, care, listen, counsel in my knowledge of the bible, and from my experiences and personal walk with God, and still i lost him to the world… the pains of seeing a beloved one walking into a life where God is far, and the temptations of sin allures really makes me down. it felt like i was not good enough a friend to be able to convince and persuade him to keep close to God. Such is the pain of having a burden for someone.

I may not be good at what I do as yet, I may not have a passion for the content, but I do have a passion for people albeit not a very strong one. The fact that i feel a burden and a responsibility to do what i can to help the people under my care live a better life, shows that i do care, and its not something everybody have for others. 

If my childhood dream is really a glimpse of my destiny, as I choose to believe it as a vision that God has put in my heart, then teaching is just the right training ground o develop my love for people and the skills i need to minister to others. 

When I saw a vision of myself laying hands on people one of those days i went up for the altar call, I asked the Lord, ” How far, and how high can I go?” I was excited for all these things to come to pass, yet I know that it is a long road, and i have many things that are not up to mark yet for these things to come to pass. and if they do, how long can i sustain them? these were the questions imbeded in the single question i asked God. And He replied almost immediately ” How much of the length, the breadth, the width and the depth of my love are u willing to experience?” … which means how much am i willing to sacrifice. 

I dont know how much i am willing to sacrifice. but i know i want to be faithful with what i have right now, because that is all i can do. to do my best in every little thing.

I’ve got no plan, but this plan: to put my heart into every work.